There are a couple of friends I might get together with, but I know I’m just wanting to act out. I really want to medicate the feelings. Addiction lives!
Sunday or Monday, I move out of the house where my wife and children live. I'll be "on my own." That has some great appeal to it, but I'm scared as hell. There will be some relief, some more time on my own without feeling like I'm "being watched." But what will I do with all this freedom? Will it just become an occasion to act out, to behave like the addict I am, to engage in all sorts of activities that will only bring me down further?
I've got a lot of confusion about what comes next, too. I work for a religious non-profit. The Big Boss tells me I need to make sure I am "continuing to be a wholesome example" while I am separated. If my gayness gets out, I could be in a heap of trouble. I could lose my job. So what do I do? Just ignore it? Do I have to concern myself with even "being seen" with some one or ones?
The fear of being outed is greater now. In the past, I could have probably gotten away with denying anything. I'm a good enough liar that if accused of something, I could turn it around and blame the accuser. I'm a fine, upstanding man of integrity, right?
Well, that is exactly what I want to be, what I desire deeply. So, if accused now, I would admit it. I am gay. No denying it now. But that confession could end it all, bring me and my whole family down.
The "acting out", the misbehaving, the descent into addiction, I see how that it dangerous and potentially "fatal." But must I keep my distance from anyone gay? from any gay support group or activity? Is it just from sexual activity that I must refrain? Or is any "sighting" or association with gaydom a potential risk for me? God, it is all so unfair. This too, is injustice. But I knew the job wouldn't be easy.
Coming out takes longer than I hoped. I've waited this long. God, help me surrender my impatience.